


and hast thou slain the jabberwock?

by misato



Category: Black Mirror, Black Mirror: Bandersnatch (2018)
Genre: Abstract, Angst, M/M, Parallel Universes, Recreational Drug Use, Sex But Not A Lot, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-14
Updated: 2019-01-14
Packaged: 2019-10-10 06:10:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17420555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misato/pseuds/misato
Summary: “What’s that s’pposed to mean?” Stefan laughs toothily. “Frumious...”“Good God, Stefan, I would’ve thought you’d understand, of all people.”





	and hast thou slain the jabberwock?

_“Beware the Jabberwock, my son!_  
_The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!_  
_Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun_  
 _The frumious Bandersnatch!”_

***

“It’s better if you finish the game quickly,” Colin says from behind a cloud of smoke the size of his head.

He waves a hand through it and his face reappears in Stefan’s line of vision.

“Mohan’s going to be frumious if you’re even an hour late.”

“What’s that s’pposed to mean?” Stefan laughs toothily. “Frumious...”

“Good God, Stefan, I would’ve thought _you’d_ understand, of all people.”

“I’m stupider than people expect,” Stefan says, staring at the ceiling, which doesn’t look much like a ceiling at the moment.

Colin passes him the joint, and the next swallow of smoke flushes a dry monsoon through his chest. He coughs. Colin watches in awe, like a child at a lion’s cage, as Stefan’s lungs rage war against his ribs.

“That’s right,” he says, surprisingly soft. “Breathe. Just breathe.”

Stefan sucks in a breath.

“Just breathe,” Colin says again, but his lips aren’t moving this time.

Stefan shuts his eyes and opens them, and Colin’s standing now, fingers drumming against the windowsill as he rants about something. He’s always ranting about something.

By now Stefan’s pupils have been blown too wide by imitation divinity. His consciousness is melting into the couch.

Colin keeps talking and talking and talking and talking, and it’s like Stefan’s forgotten how to understand English, but he’ll be damned if he doesn’t want to listen. It’s sort of like listening to a foreign song. He doesn’t know what all the words mean, but Colin’s voice still pounds gloriously into his chest. It’s like the truth is a heartbeat swelling through the carpet, pooling around Stefan’s sneakers. The world spins silkworm soft. Thoughts swim soggy like this morning’s Sugar Puffs left to corrode in milk.

“Stefan,” Colin says.

They’re on the balcony. Cold air whips against his skin. The words are flooding faster from Colin’s lips, and Stefan thinks he begins to understand. Colin’s hand brushes his cheek. It feels like a made-for-TV movie, and Stefan wonders for half a moment if they’re going to kiss.

“I love you,” he wants to say.

Only the “you” comes out.

He wets his lips, leans in. Then they are not kissing. Colin’s hand is gone. Colin’s body is gone, twisting and breaking into the night.

Reckless delirium begins creeping and constricting python-like around Stefan’s throat. Gray matter conjures destroyed mothers and wrung hands wrought too late. He sits on the couch with retinas seared by a serving size of God’s light and wishes he would disappear. His eyes slip curtain-shut.

***

“Nice seeing you again,” Colin says shortly, and swivels in his chair to face him.

Stefan blinks. Sunlight streams through the windows of the Tuckersoft building. Colin’s alive.

“Yeah,” he says slowly. “Nice seeing you too.”

“How’s Bandersnatch?”

“Frumious.”

Colin laughs.

It’s a nice sound. Stefan thinks of the whoosh-slam sound of Colin’s body over the edge of the balcony, and his stomach turns. He prefers the laugh.

“Sit,” Colin says, and Stefan immediately sits without thinking about it.

Colin swivels back around. His fingers quickly punch in code and Stefan marvels at his hands -- the way the move, the way they’d look if--

“Which way do you swing, Stefan?”

“Ah, what?” He’s jarred from his fantasy.

“I said, which way do you swing?” Colin says, leaning back in his chair and looking at him, heavy-lidded. “You were staring.”

“Oh,” Stefan says awkwardly, and he remembers telling Colin that he loves him. It’s a distant memory, like a dream. “I’m gay.”

“Interesting,” Colin says, eyebrows raising and settling. “Would you like to…?”

He jerks his head towards the Tuckersoft mens’ bathroom.

“What about the baby?” Stefan says.

“What?” Colin says. “Whose baby?”

“Yours.”

“This game is my baby,” Colin says, smacking the top of the computer monitor. “I’ve hardly got any time for anything else. Let’s be quick, yeah?”

Stefan sucks Colin off in a bathroom stall. He lets Colin jerk him off after. He’s good at it; quick and efficient. He bites right beneath Stefan’s jaw, sucking the skin into his mouth so that it’ll leave a mark.

“Go on,” Colin whispers, and Stefan cums into his hand with a gasp. “Good boy.”

Colin licks his fingers and tucks Stefan back into his pants, unlocks the stall with a click, washes his hands, and leaves the bathroom.

Stefan’s heart pounds. He leaves the stall too, knees wobbly. At the sink, he scrubs his hands and rinses his mouth. Then he has a horrible urge. He touches the mirror. His fingers sink through the glass. Then the rest of him does too.

***

“Nice seeing you again,” Colin says.

Stefan blinks. Sunlight streams through the windows of the Tuckersoft building.

“What?” he says.

“Are you alright?” Colin says. “Bandersnatch getting to your head?”

“It’s a bit frumious.”

Colin laughs.

Stefan’s heart aches.

“Sit,” he says.

“No,” Stefan says back, even though his knees want to. “How’s the baby? And Kitty?”

“I’ve no idea what you’re talking about,” Colin says.

“I’m sorry,” Stefan says quickly. “I’m a little under the weather.”

“Take a break,” Colin says. “It’ll do you some good. Oh, and take a look at your neck. Someone’s marked you up something awful.”

***

Colin and the sunshine are gone, and Stefan’s sitting in the back of a church.

It’s raining outside and Kitty’s up at the front. She’s talking with Pearl cradled in her arms, mascara streaked down her face. Stefan assumes it’s from tears and not the weather.

There’s a black casket at the front. It’s shut tight, but Stefan knows who’s inside. Video game memorabilia are piled around it, including a little Pac-Man plush.

Stefan’s heartbeat suddenly seems louder than the rain outside.

Kitty’s voice echoes through the church, talking about Colin’s work and his love for his daughter.

“It’s better if you finish the game quickly,” she says, fixing her smudged eyes on Stefan, and the church melts into the ground like a sandcastle made soggy by the rain.

He sees his reflection in one of the puddles on the sidewalk and steps into the past.

***

They’re on the balcony. It’s cold, but Stefan hardly notices. The words are flooding faster from Colin’s lips, and this time Stefan does understand. Colin’s hand brushes his cheek. It feels like a made-for-TV movie, and Stefan wonders for half a moment if they’re going to kiss.

“I love you,” he says. “Both of us should jump.”

He wets his lips, leans in. Then they are kissing. Colin’s hand curls into his. Their bodies are gone, twisting and breaking into the night.

**Author's Note:**

> me: sees colin for the first time  
> me: https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Dm7mHqrU4AEFU5z.jpg
> 
> i don't usually write suffering so i'll probably end up writing some AU fluffy joy sometime soon


End file.
